It’s occurred to us here at MuscleFoundry.com that we’ve perhaps been taking life, and ourselves, a bit too seriously of late – and I’m talking about the entire staff here. From the Accounting Dept. (yours truly), to the so-called cleaning staff (this writer), to the Senior Web Developer  (Hmm… I seem to be wearing his underpants, according to this tag), we’ve all allowed ourselves to get just way too uptight.

So please accept our apologies for taking on yet another sober and weighty topic: Man Boobs.

Chesticles, Breasticles, Dude Hooters, Bitch Tits, Man-maries, Thug Jugs – ok, I made a coupla those up – seem to be on a lot of people’s radar these days. Don’t know about you, but I keep seeing them in search results, in Google ads, it seems just about everywhere. A New York Times (registration required) article said teenage boys are increasingly turning to breast-ectomies to carve out the cause of their shirtless embarrassment.


“The Experts” blame an overall rise in obesity, an increase in steroid use among teen boys, and higher body self-consciousness among boys. The topic of Man Melons even ranked a famous Seinfeld episode. In it, Kramer invented “The Bro,” a bra for guys with Jigglers.

Predictably, entrepreneurs are lining up to offer lotions, potions and other instant prescriptions for zapping one’s more feminine attributes into o-boob-vlion. Man boobs occur at various stages of life for different reasons, but the bottom line is this – if you get lean enough, which can be a lengthy process, they have no choice but to disappear. For the vast majority of guys, anyway.

Jonathan Hatch has a cogent, entertaining and empathetic analysis of how to get rid of Man Boobs at, surprisingly enough, How to Get Rid of Things. He advises, among other things, to drink your Green Tea unsweetened, “like a man, Sugar Tits,” and to consume flaxseed oil. Both of these tricks, you should know, are used by bodybuilders to get shredded in their slim-down months and weeks prior to contests.

The scientific term for Man boobs, by the way, is Gynecomastia; it first entered my sphere of awareness several years ago, when I began competitive bodybuilding. “Gyno” was a sure way to tell the juicers from us natural guys. That’s because certain steroids, like androstenedione, had a way of backfiring on users and activating an estrogen response in their chests when they went off The Stuff. So come contest time you’d see these ripped, ultra-muscular guys with He-Mannish barrel pecs and … swollen nipples! Talk about ruining the effect.

Man Boobs can be fun, but they're usually anything but for their owners. Keep in mind, I don’t do this anymore, but I recall them being a particular liability on opponents during titty twister fights Back in the Day. Also, some women claim to enjoy luxuriating in their man’s pillowy breasts. Hokaayyy… But it is not for me to judge. And I do realize that it’s a cause of particular angst for many of us guys, especially you younger cats.

If this is you, buck up, Bucko, and hang in there; your teen peers can be vicious, believe me I know. Chances are you’ll outgrow the enlarged breasts once your hormones balance out. If you’re out of your teens and you still have ‘em – and don’t like ‘em – well, you’ve got some work ahead of you. The great news is, there’s no need for you to re-invent the wheel, here.

I suggest that you gradually transition to a low-glycemic eating pattern (If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, look up “Glycemic Index” on Google) and replace any hoofed meats that you eat with less hormonally altered fish and fowl. There’s actually quite a bit of palatable low-GI stuff available these days.

In addition, bomb your chest in the weight room from all three angles – incline, flat and decline bench, with an assortment of exercises. And of course, interval train with cardio as if you were a man on fire. And you should be on fire, metaphorically speaking. It’s not enough to do just diet or exercise alone – if you want results you’ll have to deploy overwhelming force, to borrow a military analogy.

It may seem like overkill, and it might be really tough to stay disciplined, at first. And, the results may not seem to come fast enough; or maybe they will – it depends on your own unique physiology. But if it does take longer than you’d like, just hang in there and stick with it. Remember, in order to change your appearance, you will have to make new patterns, behaviors and ways of thinking a part of you. A quick fix is just that, it's merely a Band-Aid. You must make a fundamental shift, so that you don’t have to “fix” anything. The newly installed positive habit is simply part of who you are and what you do.

Oops, there I go getting all serious and crap again! But dammit, if this is you, I really want you to get this! So please, check out this Hatch guy, who appears to be really doing it, and from the sounds of it, going about it in quite the intelligent way.


If you happen to be morbidly obese or still can’t ditch the tits after making major lifestyle changes, then yes, you may have to consider the nuclear option – surgery. But I think way too many folks cop out with surgery before going the full nine with natural, disciplined approaches. Consider the knife and hose, if at all, as a last resort.

Gotta go, but hey, “Thaaanks for the Man-maries…” (Oh, shut up. You know you loved it).

SOUND OFF: Man Boobs? Chesticles? What do you call them? Do you own a pair?